(no subject)

[vivien]

Hokay.

Sleepy. Feeling slightly less than my usual optimistic self. But it's Friday.

If you read this, do a girl favor. Leave me a joke or an amusing anecdote to read on my phone at lunch. Doesn't have to be work safe, since I'll be on said phone.

Comments

[dramawench.livejournal.com]

A woman walks into a bar and sits near a man who's drinking a beer. He looks at her, then says to the bartender, "Hey, give me one of those magic beers." The bartender slides a bottle down the bar, the guy drinks it down.

"Okay, man, give me another." The bartender slides another, and the guy drinks it down. "One more will do it." The bartender slides one more, the guy drinks it down then stands up, walks over to the window and jumps out, but he doesn't fall - he flies around, does a loop, the sails back in to the bar and goes and sits back down.

The woman stares at him and says, "How did you do that! That's amazing!" The guy replies, "It's this magic beer they have here." The woman immediately turns to the bartender and says, "Give me one of those magic beers." The bartender slides one down to her, the woman drinks it, then runs to the window, jumps out, and falls down splat on to the ground below.

The bartender turns to the man and says, "You know, Superman? You can be a real asshole."

[crack-rabbit.livejournal.com]

Q: What's the difference between a circus and a whorehouse?
A: The circus has a cunning array of stunts...

[silveraspen]

Hm. That requires me to be able to think at an early hour!

I'll borrow someone else's humor instead.

The Thousand-Word Silmarillion, because it's always worth rereading.

(LA, dammit.)

[silveraspen]

And as a bonus!

Queer Eye for the Fandom Guy.

[mm_madb]

So since its my birthday, I'm going to tell you embarrassing/funny things about me. Most of them are pretty short.

•When I was a baby, I had black hair and tilty eyes. People kept asking my mom who "the little oriental baby" was and staaaaring at her when she said I was her and dad's baby (my parents are pretty much as pale as I am now).
•I broke both front teeth on the same day, before any other teeth came in, by walking across a concrete porch, falling off the end, getting up and doing it again the other way.
•I once had a nurse staaare at me (I was, say, four) and then look at my mom and say "Funny, she doesn't look like a problem child." after I managed to close my hand in a steel door (bruises), open the car door and my seat-belt while the car was in motion (scrapes and bruises), and open a child-proof pill bottle and eat an entire bottle of kids vitamins (they made me take ipecac) within four days. At 26 mom still says that, sometimes, when I do something hopeless.
•I once forgot to close my curtains all the way at night, and accidentally flashed a plumber. And by "flash" I mean "stopped in horror when I realized he turned when I yelled and he was looking at full frontal so there was a good second or so of it". But we did get really good service!

[jmcgarry.livejournal.com]

Oh, read. Did you get any phone calls?

[oneechan19.livejournal.com]

Q: What did one rock say to the other rock?
A: Nothing, it's a rock!!!

Also!

"They gathered as the stakes were high."
"Bad Cow Pun."

[batyatoon]

* A guy walks into a bar with a slab of pavement under one arm, sits down, and says "Bartender -- a drink for me, and one for the road!"

* Last night as I lay in my bed and looked up at the stars, I thought to myself: "...where the hell is the ceiling?"

[aisforamy]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says . . . "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

[shati.livejournal.com]

"Why was Trotsky late for work?"

Highlight for the answer.