vivien | Recent Entries

Well, here we are, in a place I never thought we'd be in my lifetime, at least. The end of our democracy as we know it In the hands of chucklefucks who shouldn't be in charge of anything, much less my personal freedoms.

I've gone through a lot of stages of grief and I have landed in a place of spite and stubbornness. Fuck them, not gonna do what they tell me. My goal for 2025 is to throw as much sand into the gears of authoritarianism as possible. And to have fun and laugh while doing it! Spite is a great cure for fear, let me tell you. But fear is valid, and there are some things that you can do.

If you're still on Facebook for whatever reason, and I don't judge - I've kept my Twitter account and I'll keep my Facebook one as well, I just don't use them - please make sure that Meta can't track you across your Internet usage, which they do right now. I saw this quoted Elsewhere and I borrow now:

a quote from @victoriaredfern.bsky.social‬

How to actually do this:
Go to Settings & Privacy > Settings > Meta Accounts Centre > See more in Accounts Centre > Your information & permissions > Your activity off Meta technologies > Clear Previous Activity and then also Manage Future Activity > Disconnect Future Activity

Find out who your local independent journalists are and follow them.Subscribe to their publications if you can. Act locally.
Smile and nod at people who are different from you as often as you can.
If it's your jam, find a local congregation of like-minded people. Go to meetings/services. If you're not interested in Christianity, see if there is a Unitarian-Universailist congregation near you (or find one online). We believe that every human is worthy of love and acceptance and while there are references to a blurry water-colored God sometimes, mostly it's a pep rally for being good people each Sunday.
Find joy every day. Don't let these inept and evil bastards rob your soul.

Hang in there. Resist!

My cat doesn't like speech recognition. However my hands love it. I am having another round of fun times with carpal tunnel, plus something in my left hand that is brand new and unpleasant. It just adds that extra layer of stress that makes you say, wow I don't want to do anything! But I will. I have a doctor's appointment this week, and these things happen. It will not immediately lead to losing use of my hands, losing my job, and living in a van by the river. Even though that's what my anxiety says will happen! I'll probably just end up having some physical therapy

Speech recognition has come a ways since I last had to use it.

(you don't have to go away you're so warm, I just said to my cat, who was warming my legs and now has left in a fit)

I actually wrote 124 words of my Yuletide fic just now. Only 900 or so more to go! Considering I haven't written anything in years, this is at least a good start.

I'm mostly keeping it together. Except when I'm not. I'm focusing on the now, on just this moment, to keep sane. My hope is that I can enjoy Christmas without letting the **** get me down. Oh I see that speech recognition does a little bit of censoring when it comes to curse words. I won't let the bastards get me down, either.

My icon has nothing to do with this post. I just like it.

Or never, which has been the case.

This weekend I made a pie, had Friendsgiving, cleaned up a little, dragged Christmas boxes out, stared at Christmas boxes, went to a really cool Maurice Sendak exhibit at the Art Museum, also discovered an artist I hadn't heard of and should have (Alma Thomas), did fun shopping (not Black Friday), bought yummy treats, baked orange cranberry scones, stared at presents I need to wrap, put up window lights and the Xmas tree, did none of the art I planned on creating. Sigh. I'm really bummed about that last.

But I did a lot, so maybe that's okay.

Dear Author,

I'm so happy you're writing for me. It's been a few years since I've had the spoons to do Yuletide, and I'm excited to be back. I hope you'll be pleased you're writing for me, as well. I'm pretty easy.

( More under the cut... )

Thanks again and happy writing!
Viv

Last year I had a nervous meltdown (not quite a breakdown). A friend rescued me that day and helped me initiate care from my new doctor. I got more help than I ever expected. I started down a long path to get better and to sell my awful condo, which was the main thing making my life so difficult that I couldn't get out from under the pressure of it. What kept me going then is by saying that I knew in a year things would be better. And they are.

I'm not the same person I was last year, and I'm so thankful for that. Every day I have sunlight from my apartment windows, instead of feeling like a mushroom in a dark hole. I don't startle at weird sounds, I don't hold my breath when I hear a water gurgle. This place is not perfect, and I plan to move next year, but for right now, I'm right where I need to be.

My condo is on the market. I move to an apartment on April 10. I've been saving like crazy and I'm good through June/July. I'm scared out of my mind, but I know this is the right thing to do (I'm miserable here and I can't deal with the responsibility of homeownership right now and that's okay). I have a great realtor who's also a friend and I'm smart, loved, and capable. I have a great remote job now that I like, and I'm going to love the new place. Just gotta get rid of the old place. *hyperventilates*

I'm getting my condo ready for sale and I'm moving to an apartment on April 10. I've had YET ANOTHER leak, this time in my closet from the HOA utility closet, and walls are back and painted. Insurance claim done. HOA nagged incessantly to get their issues dealt with. I've downsized incessantly - so many charity pickups and Buy Nothing pick ups and just... saying I don't need or want these things anymore and they have to go. I'm exhausted, but I'm in a good place as far as packing goes. I'm really excited about moving to my 4th floor apartment with no one stomping over me, and away from the unpleasantness I've discovered a first floor apartment brings with it. I'm also delighted to be so close to being in a place where if something is going wrong, I call the office and someone else takes care of it.

I could use all the good mojo for getting the condo sold. I'm hopeful, and this is an entry level home that is as cheap as you can get for a nice location and place in Denver. I know there are people moving here from out of state seeking refuge from states that hate them, and I'm hoping someone will snap the place up and let me rest. It's not a terrible condo - it's just been terrible for me, and I spent some very dark nights of the soul here for years what with COVID and depression and all the disruptions.

I can't wait to be in my new place where I can just breathe for a while and relax.

Challenge #12
Tell Us about a Personal Win

My brain has gone from "omgomgomg I can't it's too much everything is terrible and get worse and I am helpless and hopeless" to "omgomgomg it's too much I'm not going to be able to get this done yes I am it's okay this is hard and it's okay to feel discouraged and stressed". So damn, that's a win.

Moving is hard. I have two months! Glad I started now! It's still... a lot.

But it'll be worth it.

This week of sucky home repairs threw me off my writing practice. I even had to borrow a friend's mom just to cry to, because I needed a mom! When your home doesn't feel comfortable or safe, it really makes it hard to relax there. My bedroom, at least, is a place that I feel pretty safe in - there have been no leaks there. I needed to get out today, so I spent most of today watching Abbott Elementary at friends' house, and that was healing.

So I'm catching up with the Snowflake Challenge and this is the longest I've made it through any of these for the last several years! Yay!

Challenge #8: Talk about a current fannish project (fic, art, vid, crochet, funko pop village) (that you are creating or enjoying)
I'm low on fannish endeavors right now. With sorting and packing, I've actually been deciding on letting a lot of fannish things go. Nothing that I still love or have a long connection with, but there are many things that someone else might enjoy more than me, and I'm good with letting them go. I did sign up for a Wangxian exchange based on a song prompt that the receiver sends out. I haven't written for The Untamed... and I haven't written anything but work and letters and journal entries for... years. So that's terrifying.

Challenge #9: Rec Us Your Newest Thing.
It's not super fannish, but I adore The Quiz Lady on Hulu. It stars Awkafina and Sandra Oh (in a VERY different kind of role), and it's funny and endearing while being extremely quirky. The supporting cast is impeccable. I've watched it twice because it makes me happy.

Challenge #10: Five Things! The five things are totally up to you.
Five Fannish Things from the Past Year (or so) That Make Me Happy (in no particular order)
1. Renfield (gross and dumb, but joyfully fun - plus pretty pretty Nicholas Hoult)
2. Awkafina's Nora from Queens
3. School Spirits (Season 1 on... Peacock? Or Paramount?)
4. Picard season 2
5. Grady Hendrix books - I've read his first four and latest, and I really like them.

There's another leak issue that's ruined the dry wall where it touches the floor in my walk-in closet. Someone comes out tomorrow to try to figure out the cause of the moisture and then I dance with the HOA and the home insurance people, and maybe a last fix? And maybe insurance and/or the HOA covers it? Maybe not? I don't even care anymore (except my stress voice says "You do so care and you will be financially ruined and trapped in this place forever!!!!"

Please please please let this be an easy fix and please please please let me sell this place at a super bargain price so I can get into a nice apartment where someone else deals with all of this madness for a little while.

Also it's the fourth day of cold as fuck, and I'm doing a lot of work on my cognitive distortions around the furnace breaking down. I swear to Pete, friends, I am not made for home ownership at this point in my life.

Challenge #6
In your own space, share a favourite piece of original canon (a show, a specific TV episode, a storyline, a book or series, a scene from a movie, etc) and explain why you love it so much.

Even though my current relationship with Star Wars et. al. is fraught, the scene in The Force Awakens when the lightsaber flies by Kylo and into Rey's hands? Yeah, that takes my breath away and makes me feel like a ten-year-old kid every single time.

Challenge #7
Make a list of fannish and/or creative resources.

I don't really have any answers to this one. I use what pretty much everyone uses?

Challenge #4
IceBreaker Challenge! Tell us about yourself.

I'm Viv. I'm a tired fandom elder, and I plan to be a part of fandom forever. I don't have kids, so I need Ao3, you know? I'm short, I smile a lot, and I don't suffer fools. I saw Star Wars in 1977 when I was 7 years old, and no one will ever be able to tell me that girls can't like Star Wars. As an adult woman, I don't enjoy Star Wars anymore because their lack in story-telling skills disturbs me. As does most of the fandom, ha ha.

Challenge #5
Search in your current space, whether brick-and-mortar or digital. Post a picture (a link to a picture will be fine!) or description of something that is or represents:
( Pictures! )

I will admit that I start this every year and never get past the first week, but who knows? Maybe this year is the year I actually do more of the Snowflake Challenge! It will be a way to ease some of the January blues - I always have a harder time with the cold, holiday bereft month of January than the darkness at Winter Solstice.

Challenge #1

Update your fandom information

I updated my profile.

Fandom likes: The Untamed wins right now, as it has since 2020 (I think it was 2020?). I'm currently into Akwafina and pretty much anything she does. Will always stan Neil Gaiman (Good Omens, Sandman, Neverwhere). Tom Riddle does not belong to She Who Must Not Be Named - he will always be mine. I eschew the rest of that universe, though.

Challenge #2

In your own space, set yourself some goals for the coming year.
I'm going to try my best to not give up hope, no matter what happens. In less serious goals, I want to see an alligator in the wild, embroider my own wheel of the year decoration throughout the seasons, and dance. I'd also like to RP again. I've had the desire of late, which makes me happy.

Challenge #3
Create a wish list of fandom things (podfic, graphics, playlists, canon recs translations, research help, vids, sky's the limit!) that you'd like to receive.

Please please please, excellent writers, keep writing new luscious and long Wanxian fics.
Fan art from all the MZDS versions are welcome. I need to read The Heaven Official's Blessing and finish SVSSS. My brain has not been great for reading, but it's been a little better lately.
I want more of the varying celebrities I love to show up on each other's podcasts, like Katya and Trixie on a very special My Favorite Murder!
I want playlists that are like ye old cd mixes and have nothing to do with Spotify. I hate Spotify.
I want the DVD of Good Omens season two on my shelf where Amazon can't take it away from me.

Snowflake Challenge promotional banner with image of igloo and northern lights. Text: Snowflake Challenge January 1-31.

I look at you askance, 2023, much like Jiang Cheng in the icon there. You were... a lot. Much like Jiang Cheng in the icon there.

But I had a list of things I wanted to do in 2023! I did many of them! This was actually a really productive year, even with the nervous breakdown.

<i>1. Move my body intentionally every day.
2. Witch it up.
3. Invest some money like a goddam grown up.
4. Since I FINALLY wrote my will, work with setting up things with a lawyer
5. Embroider gravestone symbols and seasonal witch hats.
6. Read more books.
7. Breathe deeply
8. Laugh more.
9. Put lotion on my poor dry feet and hands every night!
10. Open the Etsy shop I keep saying I'm going to open.</i>

3 and 4 - ACCOMPLISHED and I am DAMN proud of it
10 - I didn't need an Etsy shop, as I sold all the stuff I meant to sell with it.
1,2, and 9 - kinda sorta
5 - I washed out on this one, but that's okay
6, 7, and 8 - actually, I did well with these, too, even with the breakdown.

Pretty decent! Still though, buh-bye 2023.

That is what I manifest for the coming year.

Joy. Hope. Change.

A two week winter break. I miss that teacher schedule. It's been twenty years since I had one but damn I miss it. I've done all the Christmas things - gifts obtained, last trip to the post office made, cards sent... I'd like to be done with work now that I'm done with Christmas work. I am getting some time off but I want mooooore.

Wednesday is a Solstice Eve celebration at church (Unitarian, dontcha know), and I'm making persimmon pudding for the potluck, and I'm doing a virtual yoga solstice event on the holiday itself. Happy holidays!

I got a lot of stuff done this weekend. I graduated from intensive outpatient therapy (10 hours a week, PHEW!) on Thursday, so there were lots of things that were on hold a bit. But I did lots of cleaning and straightening this weekend, and I'm feeling much better.

I also have about 4-5 months to go in this condo. I'll move in April to a new apartment and put this place up for sale. I will be doing a major downsizing online auction in March, and I'll have a lot packed by then (or in storage). Getting rid of stuff is so much fun now that I have a goal in mind.

And it's like, I know that shedding myself of this place won't cure all my ills, and I will have plenty to be annoyed by in the rental situation. But I so look forward to living somewhere where every knock of the pipe and drip of water has to be scrutinized for potential disaster. AND living across the street from Trader Joe's (if all goes well, and I think it will, in regards to where I want to rent.)

I'll admit I had some anxiety elevation today around a couple of house things, but I'm doing much better now. I'll just add what needs to be fixed to the list of things that need to be done to sell this lemon and start over.

I have a very exciting piece of news to share. When you're not chock full of depression and anxiety, the early darkness of this time of year is annoying but not soul destroying. It is AMAZING. Friends, I've been deeply depressed for four years, and to not be so is such a revelation. I'm not, like, cured or anything, but my anxiety is much, much lower, and I have to actively search for that gloomy place that dominated my brain before now.

I put up Christmas today - finished decorating the tree and the halls (and then getting the storage totes back into the closet). They will be going to the storage unit in January, thus giving more room into my place for packed moving boxes and such.

I also smudged the house for the first time since spring, when I started my even deeper spiral. It felt good.

Through all of this, I'm pulling aside the stuff that will be sold in the giant downsizing auction in March. There is a lot. Most of the big pieces of furniture, lots and lots of decorations and kitchen stuff I just don't want. It's very therapeutic to know this amount of stuff will be out of my life and not moving with me. Sometimes a do-over is just the right thing to do.

I'm having trouble with eczema as the air gets colder and dryer. It's making me itchy and grumpy. I've got some eczema "settling" lotion, but it hasn't settled too much. There are spots on my hands, the back of my neck is itchy, there are other random sritchy scratchy places. My feet also hurt - a fun combo on the bottom of the heel from plantar fasciitis and on the outside if the heels from my shoes because of new pressure from the inserts I'm wearing for the plantar fasciitis. I swear to Pete. Flesh prisons are never happy.

Oh, and I deleted my Tumblr by accident the other night. 2007-2023 RIP! I'm not too upset, as it wasn't a memory collector place, per se. But I was bummed. So much fannish history!

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Vivien

January 2025

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Veni Vidi Vivi

Cavivat Emptor

Recent Entries

So long, democracy

Just a little update

I only post on Sundays

Dear Yuletide Author Letter

A year ago today

Trust fall into the universe

wowzers

Snowflake Challenge 12

Oh riiight

Weekly Wrap-Up

OMG no more

Snowflake Challenge 6 & 7

Snowflake Challenge 4 & 5

January and the Snowflake Challenge

2023, buh bye

Joy. Hope. Change.

You know what would be great?

Productive Weekend

First Sunday of December

Everything itches