Fic: I Need Your Words (Abby/Connor, PG)
Apr. 30th, 2010 08:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Title: I Need Your Words
Author:
vivien529
Pairing: Abby/Connor
Rating: PG
Summary: Sometimes actions are not enough.
Warnings: Spoilers through end of season 3
Disclaimer: I do not own these lovely characters. No infringement upon the copyrights held by ITV, Impossible Pictures or any others involved with that production is intended.
A.N. - Thank you, Jay, for the beta assistance!!!
Written for
oystergrrl for the Spring 2010 Primevalathon
Connor sighed in frustration. He’d written over the same line of code twice without realizing it. He couldn’t concentrate on anything today, it seemed, aside from the miserable thoughts whirling around his brain. If he could talk to someone about it, maybe he could figure things out. Sarah was the only one in the lab with him. Since she was also the only one he could imagine mentioning this to, he cleared his throat. “Sarah?”
“Hmm?” She didn’t look up from her laptop, engrossed as she was in her work.
“Could I ask you-“ Connor’s courage failed him. “Never mind.”
It was the tone of his voice that made Sarah press 'Save' and turn in his direction. “What is it, Connor?”
Sarah liked Connor. He was a sweet kid and a brilliant co-worker. His lack of confidence worried her, though.
“Oh, it’s nothing,” he smiled, pretending to be fascinated by whatever was on his screen. “Just- something of a personal nature. I don’t need to waste your time.”
That was not like him at all. Sarah stood up and walked over to Connor, leaning against the table where he was working. “What’s up? You have my full attention.”
Connor watched her a moment, his eyes wide. Then he ducked his head. He didn’t speak for another minute. Sarah watched him frown and work up to letting the words free. “It’s- a friend of mine. I don’t know what to tell him. He kissed a girl- or actually, she kissed him, and then my friend said that- that she acted like it didn’t happen. And she said she didn’t want things to be weird between them. So- does that mean she doesn’t like him? Even after she kissed him?”
‘Oh, Abby,’ thought Sarah. ‘What the bloody hell?’
“It could,” Sarah allowed.
Connor’s face fell. Sarah reached out and squeezed his arm. “Did your friend tell this girl that he liked her?”
He looked down at his still fingers and then at the screen – anywhere but at Sarah. “No? But he kissed her back and it was- it was- he said it was one of the happiest moments of his life. They haven’t had a chance to talk as much as he’d like.” He shrugged and licked his lips, frowning. “He doesn’t just like her. He- I think he loves her. And has done for a long time.”
“But she doesn’t know? Maybe she’s confused, Connor. Maybe she needs you – I mean, your friend – to tell her how he feels.” Sarah wouldn’t have needed Connor to tell her one word. How he felt for Abby was written all over his face.
His eyes darted to glance at Sarah when she slipped and said “you”. Instead of startling and fleeing, or filling in the conversation with meaningless (and distracting) chatter, Connor decided that he could trust Sarah. She was kind enough, and if he asked her, he thought she wouldn’t. Besides, he was out of his depth. He had no idea what to do, even after his and Abby’s closeness from those couple of mad days in the Cretaceous. “How? How does he tell her?”
“Using words seems to work best,” Sarah said, her voice gentle. She wished she could give him the courage to speak his heart.
Connor almost smiled. “Right, I did know that part. I mean, how does- How can I say what I feel when I don’t think-“ He trailed off and stared at his hands again. “If she says she doesn’t love me back, it would- I couldn’t stand it. And then things will be weird. They’ll be weird forever, especially since we're back in the flat together. I’d rather not bring it up and stay safe from that.”
“Abby cares for you, Connor. Maybe she’s scared, too.”
“She’s not scared of anything, “ he said, his voice taking on a proud tone.
“I wouldn’t count on that. As for not bringing it up, I have to ask you – is this miserable limbo you’re in that much different than having a broken heart?”
His eyes widened again, taking in her words and considering them for a long moment. “Maybe not that much different, no,” he finally said.
"Give it a go. Tonight. Before you lose the courage."
"Okay," he said, nodding. He could do this.
I can do this.
Connor repeated this to himself over and over on the ride home.
I can do this.
When they got home, the evening rituals of feeding the lizards, settling in for the night – all the mundane things that he and Abby established once more since returning to their living arrangement – threw him off. It was as if he was caught in a river of routine, and he could not touch bottom or find a limb to grab hold in order to stop as the current carried him along.
He checked his email and played his latest video game, while Abby did yoga upstairs in her room. Together they cobbled together a quick meal of boil-in-the-bag curry. He thought he could say something, anything, whilst they were in the kitchen, but Abby had that preoccupied, tired look she got when she didn’t want to deal. Connor knew that look well. He stuck to safe words, the usual patter. He ate his curry on the sofa, while she sat at the table, reading a magazine.
He wished he had the nerve to walk over there and sit down beside her, but he didn’t. He turned on the telly instead, keeping the volume low.
When she walked over to the sofa after dinner, as she usually did, Connor thought, ‘Okay, now. Now is the time.’ He opened his mouth to speak, and nothing came out. Abby settled herself down on the sofa, rubbing her eyes and yawning.
“God, I’m knackered,” she said, and she folded her legs underneath her.
“Yeah, me too,” he replied. It was a knee jerk reaction; he was wide-awake.
“You okay?”
“Eh?”
“You’re staring.”
“Oh, sorry. I-“ Now now now now, just tell her. “I wondered if you’d like one of my world famous foot rubs. Since you’re tired. And all.” He closed his eyes the briefest of moments, frustrated and furious with himself.
Abby happily stretched her leg out and placed a foot on his knee. “Please? That would be brilliant. I was standing all bloody day long.”
At least he got to touch her, he consoled himself. He rubbed her foot, listening to the tired, happy noises she made when he hit just the right spot. He was about to go for it – tell her he loved her and would rub her feet every night for as long as she would let him – when he looked over to catch her eye. Her eyes were closed, and her breathing was deep and regular.
He turned the sound down a little lower and let her sleep.
Sarah noticed Connor’s mood the moment she walked into the lab. “Hey. You alright?”
“Can I talk to you? In private?”
“Sure,” she said, frowning. Oh, surely things went well. Abby wouldn’t have turned him down, would she?
They walked together to a conference room, and Connor slumped against the door as he closed it behind him. He looked miserable.
“I can’t do it, Sarah. I tried. I can’t tell her. When I work myself up to try, I can’t even find the words in my head, much less get them to my mouth.”
“I know it’s hard,” she said, sitting down in one of the chairs. “Would you like me to talk to her?”
He shook his head, eyes wide. “No, please, don’t say a word. She’d think- she’d think even less of me.”
“I don’t think that would be the case, but I won’t say anything. Look, what about other ways of telling her? You could write a letter, or send her an email, or, I don’t know. Maybe buy her flowers and give them to her with a note attached.”
Connor’s brow furrowed, and he joined Sarah at the table, twisting his chair from side to side as he sat thinking.
“I don’t want to write a letter. That would be- not me? But maybe… I have a vlog. A video blog. Online. I upload entries. What if I made a video of me telling her? Would that be stupid? Or do you think it could work? I wouldn’t upload it. It would be for her eyes only.”
“I think that if it helps you say what you need to say, then you should try it. Like I said, knowing for certain is going to be better than this.”
Connor bit his lip, staring at the table. “Right.” Then he looked up at her. “Don’t suppose you could drive me back home, could you? I think I need to take a personal day.”
Sarah laughed. “I’ll get my keys.”
Connor texted Abby to let her know he was taking care of an important piece of business that had come up. He assured her he’d see her when she got home. That would give him plenty of time to record his entry.
It turned out he needed all of it, since he was settling for nothing less than perfection. It turned out he didn't reach his goal, but he got close enough. He hoped. Abby called him on her way home, and he had enough time to call out for pizza and set up the laptop on the dining table. He'd even managed to go out to the garden and pick a few flowers, although they looked a little wilty in the giant vase. It was the only thing he could find for them, aside from drinking glasses, and he thought a drinking glass full of sad-looking flowers would be even more pathetic than a giant vase.
Abby walked in, set her things down, and called out, "Connor, you there?"
Connor jumped at the sound of her voice. He tried to prop up one of the drooping daisies and gave it up for a bad job. "I'm here. Wouldn't be anywhere else. Just... here." He smiled, realized he probably looked like a deranged fool, and tried to tone down the smile to something manageable.
Abby walked over to the table, her brows knitted together. "Hey, are you okay? You’re acting strangely." She took in the flower arrangement and she frowned even more. "What's going on?"
"I had to do something," he said. "It's done now. Everything's okay. I mean, it should be okay. I hope it's okay." He very nearly closed the laptop and ran with it to his room about then, but instead, he closed his hands into fists and took a deep breath. "Would you- please sit down? Only for a moment."
If he didn't do it now - right now - he would never do it. If she said no, what would he do? He held out the chair for her and hoped.
"Oookay," said Abby as she slid into the chair, her eyes flitting from Connor's face to the laptop and back again.
"I need you to watch something. And..." He leaned over to the laptop and maximized the window with the media player. "It's only for you to see. It's not online or anything." He moused over the play button and clicked it. Then he stepped back so he couldn't see her face. His hand went to his mouth, and he began chewing on a hangnail. It wasn't too late to stop this. He could do so at any moment. He took one more little step back to prevent this.
Connor on the laptop screen smiled shyly, looked down once, and then lifted his eyes. "Hi. Abby, I have to tell you something, and I know this is right mad, but it's the only way I could think to do it. I lose my nerve, and-"
Connor-on-the-screen looked down again, and Connor behind Abby covered his eyes with his hand. He was a proper git, and this wasn't going to work. He should run up to his room now. Or out the door.
"Well, I might as well say it. Abby- I- My feelings haven't changed since that time when I followed you through the anomaly. I've- I-"
Connor-on-the-screen huffed out a breath. "I love you. Okay? I'm terrified to say it. I'm scared you'll never love me back, and I'll be pining after you the rest of my life. I'm scared that once I've said this, we won't even be friends any longer, because things will be too weird. I never want to be apart from you Abby. You're smart, and you're lovely, and I think we'd be good together. I think we’re good together already. So..."
Connor-on-the-screen's words trailed off, and he clapped his hands together. "Whatever you say now- I can handle it. It will be better than not knowing and always wondering. You're my best mate, and- and I love you."
The screen went to black, and Connor took another little step backward, his eyes wide and panicked. This was quite possibly the stupidest idea he had ever had. Why the hell had he thought it might work? Now he looked like even more of a pathetic git than he had before, and there was no way she could love him back, and why had he even said the words "I love you"? That would run her off quicker than anything. He was an idiot.
While he was busy berating himself, he didn't register that Abby stood and turned towards him. She was watching him. She wasn't smiling. When he finally did notice her, he winced and closed her eyes. "Sorry. Sorry, I shouldn't have done that. I was- I wanted-"
He stopped speaking when her lips met his. "Mmmph?" His eyes flew open.
"Shh, Connor, it's okay," Abby murmured into his mouth, and her fingers tangled in his hair, pulling him down to her. Her other hand smoothed along his arm, her touch soothing him as she slid her hand up to rest on his shoulder.
Connor closed his eyes again and let her kiss him. He had the presence of mind to wrap his arms around her waist and pull her closer. His heart was pounding in his ears, drowning out the world, and he forgot to breathe, so intent he was on kissing her back.
When he finally remembered the need for oxygen, he pulled away slightly, gasping, and watching her face. "Please?" He said after a moment. "I need-"
A kiss was fine, but things hadn't gone well the last time it happened. "I need you to say something. Anything. But- please? I need your words."
Abby's face clouded. She said nothing for a moment, and Connor thought he'd bollocksed things up yet again. He should have explained that she didn't need to say she loved him, or anything like that. He needed her words, though, to make this real.
" You’re braver than me,” she said after a long moment. Her fingers traced his face. “I've been afraid, too."
"Okay," he said. His answering smile was huge. "That's all I needed to hear."
Connor kissed her, and he wondered, before all rational thoughts slipped from his mind, why on earth it had taken him so long to say what needed to be said.
Author:
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
Pairing: Abby/Connor
Rating: PG
Summary: Sometimes actions are not enough.
Warnings: Spoilers through end of season 3
Disclaimer: I do not own these lovely characters. No infringement upon the copyrights held by ITV, Impossible Pictures or any others involved with that production is intended.
A.N. - Thank you, Jay, for the beta assistance!!!
Written for
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
Connor sighed in frustration. He’d written over the same line of code twice without realizing it. He couldn’t concentrate on anything today, it seemed, aside from the miserable thoughts whirling around his brain. If he could talk to someone about it, maybe he could figure things out. Sarah was the only one in the lab with him. Since she was also the only one he could imagine mentioning this to, he cleared his throat. “Sarah?”
“Hmm?” She didn’t look up from her laptop, engrossed as she was in her work.
“Could I ask you-“ Connor’s courage failed him. “Never mind.”
It was the tone of his voice that made Sarah press 'Save' and turn in his direction. “What is it, Connor?”
Sarah liked Connor. He was a sweet kid and a brilliant co-worker. His lack of confidence worried her, though.
“Oh, it’s nothing,” he smiled, pretending to be fascinated by whatever was on his screen. “Just- something of a personal nature. I don’t need to waste your time.”
That was not like him at all. Sarah stood up and walked over to Connor, leaning against the table where he was working. “What’s up? You have my full attention.”
Connor watched her a moment, his eyes wide. Then he ducked his head. He didn’t speak for another minute. Sarah watched him frown and work up to letting the words free. “It’s- a friend of mine. I don’t know what to tell him. He kissed a girl- or actually, she kissed him, and then my friend said that- that she acted like it didn’t happen. And she said she didn’t want things to be weird between them. So- does that mean she doesn’t like him? Even after she kissed him?”
‘Oh, Abby,’ thought Sarah. ‘What the bloody hell?’
“It could,” Sarah allowed.
Connor’s face fell. Sarah reached out and squeezed his arm. “Did your friend tell this girl that he liked her?”
He looked down at his still fingers and then at the screen – anywhere but at Sarah. “No? But he kissed her back and it was- it was- he said it was one of the happiest moments of his life. They haven’t had a chance to talk as much as he’d like.” He shrugged and licked his lips, frowning. “He doesn’t just like her. He- I think he loves her. And has done for a long time.”
“But she doesn’t know? Maybe she’s confused, Connor. Maybe she needs you – I mean, your friend – to tell her how he feels.” Sarah wouldn’t have needed Connor to tell her one word. How he felt for Abby was written all over his face.
His eyes darted to glance at Sarah when she slipped and said “you”. Instead of startling and fleeing, or filling in the conversation with meaningless (and distracting) chatter, Connor decided that he could trust Sarah. She was kind enough, and if he asked her, he thought she wouldn’t. Besides, he was out of his depth. He had no idea what to do, even after his and Abby’s closeness from those couple of mad days in the Cretaceous. “How? How does he tell her?”
“Using words seems to work best,” Sarah said, her voice gentle. She wished she could give him the courage to speak his heart.
Connor almost smiled. “Right, I did know that part. I mean, how does- How can I say what I feel when I don’t think-“ He trailed off and stared at his hands again. “If she says she doesn’t love me back, it would- I couldn’t stand it. And then things will be weird. They’ll be weird forever, especially since we're back in the flat together. I’d rather not bring it up and stay safe from that.”
“Abby cares for you, Connor. Maybe she’s scared, too.”
“She’s not scared of anything, “ he said, his voice taking on a proud tone.
“I wouldn’t count on that. As for not bringing it up, I have to ask you – is this miserable limbo you’re in that much different than having a broken heart?”
His eyes widened again, taking in her words and considering them for a long moment. “Maybe not that much different, no,” he finally said.
"Give it a go. Tonight. Before you lose the courage."
"Okay," he said, nodding. He could do this.
I can do this.
Connor repeated this to himself over and over on the ride home.
I can do this.
When they got home, the evening rituals of feeding the lizards, settling in for the night – all the mundane things that he and Abby established once more since returning to their living arrangement – threw him off. It was as if he was caught in a river of routine, and he could not touch bottom or find a limb to grab hold in order to stop as the current carried him along.
He checked his email and played his latest video game, while Abby did yoga upstairs in her room. Together they cobbled together a quick meal of boil-in-the-bag curry. He thought he could say something, anything, whilst they were in the kitchen, but Abby had that preoccupied, tired look she got when she didn’t want to deal. Connor knew that look well. He stuck to safe words, the usual patter. He ate his curry on the sofa, while she sat at the table, reading a magazine.
He wished he had the nerve to walk over there and sit down beside her, but he didn’t. He turned on the telly instead, keeping the volume low.
When she walked over to the sofa after dinner, as she usually did, Connor thought, ‘Okay, now. Now is the time.’ He opened his mouth to speak, and nothing came out. Abby settled herself down on the sofa, rubbing her eyes and yawning.
“God, I’m knackered,” she said, and she folded her legs underneath her.
“Yeah, me too,” he replied. It was a knee jerk reaction; he was wide-awake.
“You okay?”
“Eh?”
“You’re staring.”
“Oh, sorry. I-“ Now now now now, just tell her. “I wondered if you’d like one of my world famous foot rubs. Since you’re tired. And all.” He closed his eyes the briefest of moments, frustrated and furious with himself.
Abby happily stretched her leg out and placed a foot on his knee. “Please? That would be brilliant. I was standing all bloody day long.”
At least he got to touch her, he consoled himself. He rubbed her foot, listening to the tired, happy noises she made when he hit just the right spot. He was about to go for it – tell her he loved her and would rub her feet every night for as long as she would let him – when he looked over to catch her eye. Her eyes were closed, and her breathing was deep and regular.
He turned the sound down a little lower and let her sleep.
Sarah noticed Connor’s mood the moment she walked into the lab. “Hey. You alright?”
“Can I talk to you? In private?”
“Sure,” she said, frowning. Oh, surely things went well. Abby wouldn’t have turned him down, would she?
They walked together to a conference room, and Connor slumped against the door as he closed it behind him. He looked miserable.
“I can’t do it, Sarah. I tried. I can’t tell her. When I work myself up to try, I can’t even find the words in my head, much less get them to my mouth.”
“I know it’s hard,” she said, sitting down in one of the chairs. “Would you like me to talk to her?”
He shook his head, eyes wide. “No, please, don’t say a word. She’d think- she’d think even less of me.”
“I don’t think that would be the case, but I won’t say anything. Look, what about other ways of telling her? You could write a letter, or send her an email, or, I don’t know. Maybe buy her flowers and give them to her with a note attached.”
Connor’s brow furrowed, and he joined Sarah at the table, twisting his chair from side to side as he sat thinking.
“I don’t want to write a letter. That would be- not me? But maybe… I have a vlog. A video blog. Online. I upload entries. What if I made a video of me telling her? Would that be stupid? Or do you think it could work? I wouldn’t upload it. It would be for her eyes only.”
“I think that if it helps you say what you need to say, then you should try it. Like I said, knowing for certain is going to be better than this.”
Connor bit his lip, staring at the table. “Right.” Then he looked up at her. “Don’t suppose you could drive me back home, could you? I think I need to take a personal day.”
Sarah laughed. “I’ll get my keys.”
Connor texted Abby to let her know he was taking care of an important piece of business that had come up. He assured her he’d see her when she got home. That would give him plenty of time to record his entry.
It turned out he needed all of it, since he was settling for nothing less than perfection. It turned out he didn't reach his goal, but he got close enough. He hoped. Abby called him on her way home, and he had enough time to call out for pizza and set up the laptop on the dining table. He'd even managed to go out to the garden and pick a few flowers, although they looked a little wilty in the giant vase. It was the only thing he could find for them, aside from drinking glasses, and he thought a drinking glass full of sad-looking flowers would be even more pathetic than a giant vase.
Abby walked in, set her things down, and called out, "Connor, you there?"
Connor jumped at the sound of her voice. He tried to prop up one of the drooping daisies and gave it up for a bad job. "I'm here. Wouldn't be anywhere else. Just... here." He smiled, realized he probably looked like a deranged fool, and tried to tone down the smile to something manageable.
Abby walked over to the table, her brows knitted together. "Hey, are you okay? You’re acting strangely." She took in the flower arrangement and she frowned even more. "What's going on?"
"I had to do something," he said. "It's done now. Everything's okay. I mean, it should be okay. I hope it's okay." He very nearly closed the laptop and ran with it to his room about then, but instead, he closed his hands into fists and took a deep breath. "Would you- please sit down? Only for a moment."
If he didn't do it now - right now - he would never do it. If she said no, what would he do? He held out the chair for her and hoped.
"Oookay," said Abby as she slid into the chair, her eyes flitting from Connor's face to the laptop and back again.
"I need you to watch something. And..." He leaned over to the laptop and maximized the window with the media player. "It's only for you to see. It's not online or anything." He moused over the play button and clicked it. Then he stepped back so he couldn't see her face. His hand went to his mouth, and he began chewing on a hangnail. It wasn't too late to stop this. He could do so at any moment. He took one more little step back to prevent this.
Connor on the laptop screen smiled shyly, looked down once, and then lifted his eyes. "Hi. Abby, I have to tell you something, and I know this is right mad, but it's the only way I could think to do it. I lose my nerve, and-"
Connor-on-the-screen looked down again, and Connor behind Abby covered his eyes with his hand. He was a proper git, and this wasn't going to work. He should run up to his room now. Or out the door.
"Well, I might as well say it. Abby- I- My feelings haven't changed since that time when I followed you through the anomaly. I've- I-"
Connor-on-the-screen huffed out a breath. "I love you. Okay? I'm terrified to say it. I'm scared you'll never love me back, and I'll be pining after you the rest of my life. I'm scared that once I've said this, we won't even be friends any longer, because things will be too weird. I never want to be apart from you Abby. You're smart, and you're lovely, and I think we'd be good together. I think we’re good together already. So..."
Connor-on-the-screen's words trailed off, and he clapped his hands together. "Whatever you say now- I can handle it. It will be better than not knowing and always wondering. You're my best mate, and- and I love you."
The screen went to black, and Connor took another little step backward, his eyes wide and panicked. This was quite possibly the stupidest idea he had ever had. Why the hell had he thought it might work? Now he looked like even more of a pathetic git than he had before, and there was no way she could love him back, and why had he even said the words "I love you"? That would run her off quicker than anything. He was an idiot.
While he was busy berating himself, he didn't register that Abby stood and turned towards him. She was watching him. She wasn't smiling. When he finally did notice her, he winced and closed her eyes. "Sorry. Sorry, I shouldn't have done that. I was- I wanted-"
He stopped speaking when her lips met his. "Mmmph?" His eyes flew open.
"Shh, Connor, it's okay," Abby murmured into his mouth, and her fingers tangled in his hair, pulling him down to her. Her other hand smoothed along his arm, her touch soothing him as she slid her hand up to rest on his shoulder.
Connor closed his eyes again and let her kiss him. He had the presence of mind to wrap his arms around her waist and pull her closer. His heart was pounding in his ears, drowning out the world, and he forgot to breathe, so intent he was on kissing her back.
When he finally remembered the need for oxygen, he pulled away slightly, gasping, and watching her face. "Please?" He said after a moment. "I need-"
A kiss was fine, but things hadn't gone well the last time it happened. "I need you to say something. Anything. But- please? I need your words."
Abby's face clouded. She said nothing for a moment, and Connor thought he'd bollocksed things up yet again. He should have explained that she didn't need to say she loved him, or anything like that. He needed her words, though, to make this real.
" You’re braver than me,” she said after a long moment. Her fingers traced his face. “I've been afraid, too."
"Okay," he said. His answering smile was huge. "That's all I needed to hear."
Connor kissed her, and he wondered, before all rational thoughts slipped from his mind, why on earth it had taken him so long to say what needed to be said.
no subject
Date: 2010-05-01 03:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-01 03:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-01 07:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-01 11:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-01 11:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-01 06:36 pm (UTC)this is my favorite line.
if I may, this reminds me of the song Operator by Jim Croce.
this is an excellent fic. and it's nice (and novel too) to see Sarah being someone's friend.
no subject
Date: 2010-05-02 01:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-03 05:24 am (UTC)Ha! I love that :).
This really is so very sweet. I can totally see Connor using his vlog to tell Abby how he feels. And yay, Sarah!
Thank you so much :).
no subject
Date: 2010-05-04 01:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-09 02:59 pm (UTC)